So… FINE ZEBBY I’LL DO THEM ALL URGH.
- 1. Sexual orientation.
Eeps… I’d usually say bisexual but now that’s a ticking timebomb of people trying to tell me I’m “excluding people” that personally I’m not. So under the technical umbrella that, I believe, means that I’m pansexual. HOWEVER I’ve been realising that generally I’m more emotionally-sexually attracted to women, and with men other than their penis being useful tend to tick me off in romantic situations. So who the hell knows. If I am attracted to the person, that’s all that matters.
- 2. What I’m really bad at.
Accepting compliments. Letting go of guilt. Not panicking. Learning guitar.
- 3. The one person whose arms I’d like to be in.
Seph’s. Which people are probably sick of seeing but there you have it. I would like nothing more than to be curled up in my girlfriend’s arms. Alternatively, my dad’s. He’s… well, it’s been a few years now and I don’t know where I stand with him. And now I’m moving on before the sobbing starts mmkay?
- 4. My best first date.
NO ONE HAS EVER TAKEN ME ON A DATE. Seriously. There has been movie going and dinner having with friends and recent exes (don’t ask, I still don’t understand what went on there) but never… date dates.
- 5. A description of my self-esteem.
I think that post yesterday summed it up - in my head I’m Robert Downey Jr., externally I’m that dude from Supernatural with the brooding and quietness and hiding in a corner pleaseleavemealonethankyou.
- 6. Who my best friends are.
If you have ever sat with me through a shit mood and not walked away afterwards, or I was open enough with you to admit that I’m a big mess of sobbing hideousness for whatever reason, or I’ve gone off on huge motherfucking rants about nothing but you still let me get it out of my system and were still there after it… you’re my best friend.
- 7. My favorite book.
That’s not fair - there are many books I adore and I refuse to narrow it to one.
- 8. Biggest turn-offs.
Rudeness. I think that encompasses a shit ton of behaviour. Being unable to admit when they didn’t know something, or aren’t the authority on something.
- 9. A description of my best friend.
She drives me absolutely bonkers sometimes, is absent a lot of the time, but gosh darn it I still adore her to pieces and think of her often when she’s hiding.
- 10. My favorite animal.
Foxes. Until they’re horny and then it’s “SHHHHHHH, trying to sleep”. Also otters. And bunnies. Snakes and birds of prey don’t count because they’re reptiles and birds respectively, and not an animal, but in the “creature not human” stakes they count. I like a lot of animals…
- 11. Someone I miss.
My Grandad. I’ll always miss him.
- 12. The reason behind my last breakup.
I had a complete nervous breakdown, went absolutely gaga, he couldn’t handle it and cheated on me, told me, broke up with me, tried to fix it while still shagging her behind my back, and then I gave the fuck up… losing all my friends in the process because they decided that backing the other two was easier than being emotionally supportive of me despite knowing me for years.
- 13. What I did yesterday.
Slept a lot, watched a few episodes of Xena, and then slept more.
- 14. What my greatest achievement is.
I’m still alive.
- 15. A description of the person I dislike most.
He’s married to my mother. You don’t need to know more than that.
- 16. My 5 favorite songs right now.
"Love Walked In" - Thunder
"Girls with Guitars" - Wynonna
"Steal Your Heart Away" - Whitesnake
"Dancing (Lasha Tumbai)" - Verka Serduchka
"Boy is a Bottom" - Willam, Detox, Vicky Vox
- 17. How my last kiss went down.
I think it was actually some guy at karaoke at Christmas two, three years ago? It was brief and not entirely memorable other than it was unexpected.
- 18. What I find attractive in the preferred sex.
I really don’t know, I don’t have this neat little check-box of things people need to fulfil before I’m interested XD
- 19. All of the pets I’ve ever had.
Ajka, Hungarian Visla.
Ruby, Staffordshire Bull Terrior.
Mulder, Russian Dwarf Hamster.
Mickey, Standard Poodle/English Springer Spaniel cross.
- 20. Favorite flavor of ice cream.
- 21. The one place I want to be right now.
Curled up in a cute little cabin in Deer Park with Seph. Or a cottage in the Lake District. Or wherever Whitesnake have their next gig - with tickets of course XD
- 22. The meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Not the meanest by far, but the most damaging was, “You would be so pretty if you weren’t so fat!” At the time I was barely 5lbs heavier than the person who said it, but it’s fucked with me ever since.
- 23. Where I have lived before.
I lived about 5 minutes down the road for the first few months of my life and have been here ever since.
- 24. I’ll love you if…
You find me a genuine genie with 3 wishes Aladdin style, not X-Files fashion.
- 25. What are my future plans?
Mostly to get a little saner… get to America, New Zealand… Get married, settle down… I dunno. Lots of things.
- 26. An internal conflict I have with myself.
*snorts* I’m internally conflicted about almost everything in my life.
- 27. What I’m doing tomorrow.
Tomorrow is Tuesday… so… the same as usual. Nothing.
- 28. What I want to be when I get older.
Alive will still be a bonus.
- 29. Most embarrassing moment.
Too many to count.
- 30. Two of my insecurities.
That I’m not good enough, and that I’m annoying.
- 31. What I would do if I won the lottery.
Get contractors in to value the house I’m renting, and how much needs to be fixed and how much it’ll cost. Then buy it, put everything in storage while the place is fixed, go to America to spend time with Seph, visit other friends and maybe head to Disney World (where I’d have mum join me (and pay for boarding for the dog) because it’s extremely unfair to go without her). Go home, bring Seph, get a landscaper in to sort out the garden. Set aside all the money we’ll need for visas and so on, help friends pay off some debts… Stalk Whitesnake around the world (depending on how much it’ll cost, which depending on how much I won, and how much was left will possibly be affordable)… then save the rest.
- 32. A description of the boy or girl I like.
[insert Seph here]
- 33. What I love most about myself.
- 34. My biggest pet peeves.
People in general?
- 35. What bands I’ve seen live.
Estorica (now knows an ESO); Cathedral; HIM; The Red, White and Blues; Whitesnake; Thunder; Journey
- 36. How many kids I want in the future.
… Preferably none, but maybe I’ll think differently if it’s my own.
- 37. My idea of a perfect date.
Just having a good time, no matter what it is.
- 38. What I’m really good at.
- 39. Most traumatic experience.
I don’t think I want to talk about it today.
- 40. Where I would like to live.
I’m actually quite content where I am, which pisses mum off because she’d prefer to move but anywhere we move to means having neighbours on both sides, and I’m quite happy having one set of my neighbours being sheep.
- 41. The nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
I don’t know. That sounds flippant but it’s true… I find it very hard to hold on to the positives that people say about me.
- 42. Do I like where I am now?
That’s a double edged sword… I’m content where I am because it’s what I can handle, but there’s so much I want to do and places I want to go… so on a mental level I’m miles away from where I want to be.
- 43. My relationship with my sibling(s).
Never see my half-brother. My brother drives me up the wall for various reasons but I love him and only give him a hard time because everyone else is slightly too soft on him and it drives me maaad. I have never met any of my step-siblings.
- 44. All the pets I’ve ever had.
- 45. What I can hear right now.
The boiler, my computer. It’s creepy quiet right now.
- 46. My biggest worry currently.
Money. When isn’t it money, these days?
- 47. Something I’ve wished for repeatedly.
To win the lottery. It would fix a lot of immediate problems that would allow me to work on issues and problems that I have with myself.
- 48. My relationship with my parents.
My mum is my best friend (but not #9, lol). We have our ups and downs, we have a lot of clashes but in the end we have each other’s backs and it’s a good relationship. My dad is hugely absent.
- 49. Something I should have said a long time ago.
"I forgive myself for the things in my past, and need to look to the future and shape that to be what my life hasn’t been." Or something deep and more coherent.
- 50. What my last text message says.
Outgoing is “ATTEND” because the hospital text me to tell me I have an appointment coming up and to respond ATTEND, CHANGE or CANCEL. And I sat going “WTF” for several minutes before replying because I NEED THIS DAMN APPOINTMENT I WAS MEANT TO HAVE IT TWO MONTHS AGO FUCK.
- 51. What I hate most about myself.
My inability to let go, my huge guilt complex, my weight, the fact I constantly hurt to the point I don’t remember what it’s like to not be in pain, that I didn’t push hard enough years ago so I wouldn’t still be in pain. I hate that I have a million things I want to do but no confidence to them, I hate that I can hold a grudge indefinitely… So much. SO MUCH TO HATE.
- 52. Biggest turn-ons.
I’m sure I’ve addressed that before, but right now I’m tired and too lazy to think of what turns me on.
- 53. What words upset me the most.
Again, there’s several instances here…
- 54. What I hate/hated the most about school.
I hated that my teachers were fucking the students, that I was blackmailed by my heads of year and told that I would be expelled if I didn’t help them prove it. I hated that many of my teachers despised that I was very good at being right without trying, and that they in the majority set out to make my scholastic experience a nightmare. I hate that they won. I hate that I’m still angry about it. I hate that I can never get back what they stole from me - my self respect, my self worth, my self confidence and my sanity.